I was widowed 4 years ago by homicide ~ and 18 months later I almost buried my son. He was badly burned by a gas can explosion and spent almost 2 months in the hospital undergoing 4 surgeries. Since those 2 tragedies, we lived with my parents ~ their house was hit by lightning, we moved to an area I thought better for the kids and ended up homeless for awhile. That feeling....indescribeable.
My kids are now 15, 13 and 11 and every week is filled with mental health, anger management, appointments of every kind. My current income is $900 in survivor benefits with over half of that going on rent for a very small 2 bedroom apartment. The boys share a room, daughter has the other, I sleep on the couch which is kinda livingroom, kitchen all in one.
I was approved for $179 a month in food stamps, but denied for any financial help. I'm grateful for the help with food and shop wisely ~ but it's just not enough to feed 3 active kids. I have half of the "agencies" I work with telling me I need to go to work. (I know this and WANT to go to work. I use to hold 2 jobs and worked up to 90 hours a week) The other half is telling me ~ how are you going to hold a job when every single day there are problems with the kids and you're running 5-7 times a week for appointments? The biggest concern right now is the behavior of 2 of the children. It's too much for my oldest to handle ~ and have lost "placement" with a couple of babysitters. One Psychiatrist told me I need to keep everything as routine as possible right now for the "mental well being" of my son and going to work would not be a good idea. I'm trying everything available to me that I believe may help. We've already been through placements, hospitals, medications, etc etc.
With school just starting up again, finances are in the negative zone. Clothes, supplies, school pictures are coming up...activities that I'd like to see the kids be able to do this year. My oldest will be 16 in a couple weeks and right now I don't have "space" to budget his driving permit test in. I scape and wrap coins to stay on top of paying auto insurance, I can only imagine what the cost will be adding a 16 year old male driver. Guess it's a "Mom" thing?....but to me 16th birthday is a big deal and I'm not able to get him anything.
I'm always finding ways to cut costs, ie: no television, the very basic phone service (which I've even considered shutting off ~ but need it with 3 kids in the house) I take it a day at a time, but can't help but worry about the holidays coming up. My kids have always put a smile on their faces with huge, "thank you Mom" and hugs...but I know they're hurting and worried too. The hardest thing I've done in the past year was spend the money I'd been trying to save towards a headstone for my husband's grave. My youngest son took that very hard. It's been 4 years, we just had a man convicted in the crime a few months ago and it opened up a whole bunch of feelings again.
People ask me on a daily basis, "how do you do it?" All I can say is, it's the love for my children that get me out of bed each morning. Yes, I'm tired, I'm sad, frustrated, scared, worried. I can fall asleep standing up or lay awake for the whole night, too much on my mind to sleep. I really don't know what else to say except...if anyone has anything they'd like to ask me ~ you can write and I'll answer your questions.
